An EatThatGuitar Exclusive: Dispatches from the End of the World – Part I.

A little over a year and a half ago I revealed a secret. I shared with the world my hidden life as a competitive eater as I trained to eat a guitar live on stage back in October of 2010. That was the genesis of this web log.  Now I must reveal another secret. I have, for quite some time now, been working closely with the National Security Agency and the Center for Disease Control on a top-secret project involving dangerous trends in the world of underground drugs. Specifically, drugs with the ability to potentially reanimate dead human tissue. I know how this sounds. But the reality is that private individuals have, through small-scale basement-lab experimentation, been coming increasingly close to stumbling upon something the NSA and the CDC discovered years ago. That it is possible to reanimate a human being. The problem is that the result, instead of being the well-spring to the fountain of youth we had all hoped for, led to something far darker than we had ever imagined possible. The stuff of nightmares and cheap horror films.

Unfortunately, the drugs that showed the most promise were capable only of extending the life of the tissue beyond the point that would normally be considered death. Worse, they also seemed to quickly hasten the arrival of this moment. They brought on massive fevers which would have killed anyone not taking the drug.  Those who had taken the drug and induced these fevers, however, continued to live. Though not as the same person they were before. The fever it seemed, destroyed most of the brain.  Only the brain stem continued to function, rendering the subjects aggressive, and sub-human. Primitive and animalistic. The loss of upper-brain functioning removed the subject’s reason, and the drug’s extreme, stimulant type characteristics made the subject highly aggressive and capable of unbelievable physical feats. It was an ugly and dangerous mixture. The NSA and the CDC’s joint project developing these drugs was discontinued nearly a decade ago, amidst intense inter-departmental criticism.  The leaders of the project were quietly dismissed, and the logs were all put under seal.

Two years ago,  a street version of nearly the same combination of drugs became popular. This is when I became involved.  Cocktails including Methylenedioxypyrovalerone and Mephedrone, were being sold as bath salts at gas stations and convenience stores all over the country. Selling them as such and labeling the containers “Not for Human Consumption” allowed the manufacturers to circumvent the federal Analog laws which make it illegal to sell anything similar to a drug already classified as illegal.  After a NY Times report last July, and a number of extremely bad reactions to these drugs, the D.E.A. used emergency powers to ban the drug last October. Then, last week, it hit the spotlight again when a Miami man apparently ingested the drug and had to be shot to death by police to keep him from continuing to eat the face of a homeless man who was living under a causeway.

The reports of this event have been kept fairly sketchy for a reason. The government has not been completely honest about the effects of the drug, or the fate of the homeless man. The results of those tests a decade ago showed us horrible new truths that I have yet to reveal. For the past two years I have kept quiet about what I have learned.  I think we are now reaching a critical juncture. The public needs to know the truth.  In the last two years I have been places and seen things that would destroy any decent person’s sense of peace and ensure forever their new identity as a life-long paranoid insomniac. This is why I had to keep silent. But now, in a series of posts I’m calling Dispatches from the End of the World, I am going to share all that I know. Stay tuned friends. I have much to tell you.


About Chris Michael

Eating guitars since 2009.
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